Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!