Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
You Might Also Like
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I feel attacked.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.