Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
You Might Also Like
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier