Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible