I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
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I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.