Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
You Might Also Like
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?