her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Don’t touch that.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”