I’m tired tomorrow.
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
#Thanos #MondayMood
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best