You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”