Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I know
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.