why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea