I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Best seat on the street 😍
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I am HOWLING at this
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.