cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago