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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.