If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Nose
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?