Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us