My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad