Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Hmmmmm
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.