Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food