When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about