“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar