Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
This checks out
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey