[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels