[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.