Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
You Might Also Like
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota