“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.