[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card