*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
(more comics:
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment