[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
So, can we agree on 4 or
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.