You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.