One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.