*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Xylophonist Shredding It
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …