Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you