*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
why isn’t he texting back
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.