[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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how to have fun when you’re poor
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.