Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
wish me luck lads
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
She: I like Cats
He:
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy