to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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Don’t make me out nice you.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I hope this email finds you in a well
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.