It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?