Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
checking out some reviews of my local library
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Well, this explains it:
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Eat…
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim