Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
all bases covered
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.