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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.