I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
At least my masseuse has my back.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.