One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
#StillHurts
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business