Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
This is Sparta
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Get off my horse you stupid moon