The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.