*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
All set.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?