Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
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Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
what?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.