FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”