My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The days of good grammer has went
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Lmao
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.