*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
What
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!